Dearest Patrick Kohlmann,

let's call this what it is. You're a little overly sensitive and some kids beat your ass. This should have woken you up to the concept that society is violent in general, and while you may be able to expect less violence in your adult life, you'll likely end up being pushed into a middle management job, and retiring at the young age of 94 with lots of permanent marker on your face. You're ok with that though, because you have 7 cats to keep you company.

Instead of being inspired by "The Karate Kid" like the rest of us, and going to take a martial arts class, and then later discovering beer and quitting,  you put your cry baby bullshit out there on the Internet. As a man... with a penis... and nuts... your job in this case is to purchase one or more of the following:

• A punching bag.
• A membership to the gym.
  
• An ego - even a small one will do.
• A dick and corresponding set of balls.
  

Your mom and your aunt and the nice lawyer lady are all going to sue the school now because you're an artistic pussy. Doesn't that make you feel a little bit weird? You could financially benefit from not knowing how to protect yourself. Its any wonder that this story was aired on Fox.... By the way, your flock of moms are going to take all the money and blow it at the spa, and you're going to end up resenting women for the rest of your life. Remember that I said this.

Patrick, this is a wakeup call. Its not the school's job to protect your scrawny know nothing ass. It's your job. And if you get a girlfriend (which seems seriously unlikely at this point), its your job to protect her too.  

Stop putting the burden of the fact that you're on the downslope of darwinism on the rest of us and go work out. Or, start hanging out with the art fags. Pussy. 

In a recent speech, Barrack Obama added several new states to the US territory. When asked how this would be accomplished, he indicated that much in the same way that San Francisco and New York borders have been created from landfill and backfill, we will create entirely new entities.

"This approach should help put an end to any budgetary crisis or economic downturn that we've been facing here in the US. The creation of seven new states will surely mean additional GNP, especially in Pacmania, which uses quarters as its sole currency."

The new proposed states include:

Newest Mexico - Land previously known as baja california. Really, all we're doing is making it "abajo old mexico."

West and East Ballus - Two small states, much like the carolinas. Military bases proposed here will hold many seamen.

Obamahoma - Originally proposed by the Bush administration by Dick Cheney as "Portraitofme"

HandyTown  - Taking all the nicest people from North and South Carolina, Handyville aims to be the most hospitable state ever.

Pacmania -  Famed local cuisine to include "the dot" and "the bigger dot."

Spikeyville - The spiked nature of Northern Spikeyville is designed to threaten Canada with an impending invasion.