This movie gets 3 out of a possible 4 Cage Bozos. Dude, Nick, seriously man... what the hell were you thinking?

In the event that you haven't seen the crappy remake of an already pretty crappy movie, let me save you the trouble: Nick Cage plays a guy who's name I don't remember because I nearly fell asleep. He's a cop who has flashbacks about a girl he couldn't save, which of course, plays right into the fact that he receives a letter from his ex-fiance who lives on an island in the middle of nowhere - somewhere in the pacfic northwest- and their daughter that he never knew about is missing. She gets him there under false pretenses, and pretends to play along, only later to burn him at the stake inside a giant effigy of a man, made of wicker. Ohyeah, and everyone on the island is a woman, except for the servant men who have no tongues. Even though these men haul lumber all day, they're apparently too stupid to craft a boat and row off the island. 

That's it really. Or at least IT FUCKING SHOULD BE. But in order to further our pain and suffering and tempt us with the idea that there must be more to this story,  they throw in this completely unnecessary last scene where some of the girls from the island go out to bars to find their new "victim." This scene seems to exist purely for the purpose of getting someone's brother-in-law a part with lines in it. 

Throughout the whole movie, Nick Cage is constantly fucking around with his cellphone and it keeps making the no network noise. The one thing that would have absolutely redeemed this movie is if, while burning to death inside the giant wicker man, the cellphone rang. I mean, he is at the highest elevation he's been at for the entire plot...

If that happened, this movie might have gotten rated "3 Nick Cage's giant eyeballs for awesome scripts."

Sorry Bozo.