In addition to a proposed federal ban on gay marriage, increased mortgage laws and a wiretapping policy that would scare the crap out of Aldrich Ames, the most recent legislation has even the toughest lawmakers concerned.

The new policy is titled "Interior Environment Protection Act for Domesticated Non-Mammal Lifeforms," which lays out two simple rules:

• Touching the plant once will result in a $1.00 penalty - made payable to "The society for endless Iraq war funding"
  

• Touching the plant twice will result in a 50% premium on your inital penalty. 

The bill does not go on to mention touching beyond the second offense, leaving interpretation open to local law enforcement. Recent town hall meetings on the topic have suggested punishments such as "ear sodomy" and "toe manipulation."